The Mess of Being Mom

I want to change the way I speak to my children. In the silence, I am suffocated by the guilt of making every day of their morning a bad one. I hate that I complain about them. They themselves are struggling and I add to their woes as if I've taken it upon myself to make life more miserable for them than it already is. 

I can't find a middle ground, I am either this end or that end. But come to think of it, that end is better than this end. 

What I will do is I will think that when they're not around me, they're playing in the garden or exploring in the woods. I will imagine that they're lost in a book or building clay dolls and digging holes in the ground, I will imagine that they've just discovered a worm that looks like the colour of fireworks and squirts blue liquid. I will think that they spotted a bird's nest on a tree and are now climbing it to investigate what type of bird's nest it is. 

When I see things around the house where they're not supposed to be, I will keep them back where they belong. For the thousandth time I will hang the towel to dry. For the millionth time I will keep back the story book in the shelf, for the billionth time I will keep the tumblers and the bowls back in the sink. I will rise above the petty everydayness of my pet peeves, 

I will give my children peace in their own homes...so that when they think back to these days, they don't remember the yelling and the screaming and the correcting and the frowning and the growling and the sighing and the fingers pinching the bridge of the nose and the almost crying voice and the almost shoutey voice, but they remember a quiet and laughter and grace and love and charity and kindness and a mother who did things for them, who wasn't always teaching and correcting, who wasn't always finding fault, who wasn't all the time annoyed and seemed like she was battling triggers. 

I will be silent and allow peace in my house, so that my children desire to return home one day, 

Anna's Height - Short Story Published on Amazon for Kindle

 

Anna's Height is a short story told through the eyes of six-year-old Anna. It's a story about how the very things we yearn for sometimes alter the course of our lives. 

Read it on the Kindle app by purchasing from https://amzn.in/d/0Fcvavl for Rs. 49/-

THE FIRECRACKER

There's a firecracker in my house

It walks around all day

Getting lit by the weirdest things

And the things I do and say

It shows me love throughout the day

And gives me kisses too

It's so goofy sometimes

I think it should be in a zoo.

But many a times it crosses the line

Of what it is to be kind

It yells and sneers, and pushes me

I can see it has lost its mind. 

"Was what I did so bad?" I think

In the stillness of my heart

Did I really deserve that scolding? 

Did I really play a part?

I realise when I look closely

That it doesn't need a flame

Some things just set it off

Yes, even things that are lame. 

I see its short little fuse

Trimmed by ache and pain

I also see the ways in which

My trust it tries to regain. 

I see its silent tears

And the regret in its eyes

I see when its still burning

But tries to be nice. 

It says it'll be better

And change its mean ways

But the proof is in the pudding

And all the future days. 

I know its heart is aflame

With love for my sister and I

This firecracker of mine

Is my do or die. 

There's a firecracker in my house

It's a pain in my bum

But, I love it nevertheless

Because it's my mum.  

*****************************************

Wrote this as an apology to one of my daughters for my poor behaviour. Posting it here with her permission. 

My Ammachi's Hut

Last night I dreamt of my Ammachi's hut

It was different from what I'd known it to be; 

Bigger, with a few more rooms,

And a backyard that stretched to beyond where I could see.

The front door latch was just as I remembered,

Strong and painted ochre red,

The door was open to the muddy front yard,

And the path that to the century-old church led. 

Beds and desks were nicely arranged

The rooms were orderly and neat,

Not at all like my Ammachi's hut - 

Small and thatched and beat. 

The backyard gate was wide and strong,

And it creaked as it swung by the wind.

But the trees and bushes were quietly still,

My heart felt heavy - like disappointment and sin. 

I felt something unwelcome in the air -

Probably a memory, a person, a feeling or fear. 

I closed the gate and ran over pebbles and bricks;

And locked all the doors in the house... it felt near. 

The moment the latches locked in place,

My Ammachi's hut became glowing and warm.

My fear dissipated and fled,

I felt the familiar calm. 

My Ammachi's hut, so thatched and small,

Smelling of firewood and jaggery sweet.

Was my joy and my place of rest,

Where imagination and freedom would meet. 

It's gone now, my Ammachi's hut,

Amid human sins and greed,

These dreams of my Ammachi's hut,

They make me happy and are all I now need. 

An Evening at the Beach

The young men enticing children to take horse rides - they themselves, with their taut bodies and princely posture looking regal. 

The group pf women - mothers, daughters, sisters, holding hands anticipating the waves. 

Older women sanctioned off to look after valuables and slippers; who, though some may feel sorry for, are actually happier there than at the sea.

The daughter who wanted to call her mother to the water, but was dissuaded by her brother. 

The sundal sellers moving on quickly from one customer to another.  

The myriad selfies that were taken, families, friends. 

The burkha clad family at the beach. 

So many new languages around me. 

Stylish women in sunglasses. 

The sky spread like thick, smooth velvet - greyish blue with tinges of pink like the faded mardaani on a woman's hand. 

The moon direct, staring at me, but with a softness that reminds of all the times that my mother was understanding towards me. 

The constant ding-ding of the soan papdi man - a shrill reminder of the buzz behind me. 

The group of adolescent boys who were behind me made me a little nervous. Don't know why. 

I'm constantly scared that a horse is going to go haywire and come running towards me. Any movement in my peripheral vision alerts me.

I feel like I'm sitting on a quilt. The sand is stuck on some parts of me. But, I'm not bothered because I know when I dust it off, it'll go. I feel like there's an analogy here about troubles and trials and whatnot. Maybe. 

The moonlight reflected on the waves makes me joyous. 

The sea is a vast grey expanse. 

The breeze - the cleansing breeze. I feel it wash away my cobwebs. I feel it unburden my lungs, straighten my shoulders. 

People are getting more and more comfortable with the ocean. The waves are now waist high and they're laughing. 

The policemen in their smart horses came whistling asking people to move away from the water. Within seconds of their retreat people were back in the water. 

What is it I smell? It's the ocean, I know. Is it the salt? Where did the salt come from? Does amniotic fluid have salt?

Of everyone, children seem to love the water more than life itself. 

Now almost the whole expanse is covered in moonlight. It reminds me of nights in Anilady* and Ayandur*. Ayandur mostly. Just thinking about those nights, those memories teared me up. Like how one would miss a dead parent..a good parent. Maybe those villages brought me up. Their mud roads, their down to earth people, the food smelling of firewood. And family. I was its and then it died. Now I'm living and I remember them on a night like this. 

Like that mole on my chin, there suddenly appeared a planet by the moon. 

The night sky expands over me. Tight and taut. I can't make out the details of the faces around me. But, I see that we are all one. Same calf muscles, same skeletal frame, same voice box, same pain, same grief, same joy, same beach. 

__________________________________________________________________________

While cleaning up my cupboard, I found a notepad from many years ago. I just typed out the notes as is (mostly) from notepad to blog! 

I remember taking it to the beach one evening when I was deep in the throes of exhaustion from being a new mom (might explain the melancholy). I remember walking around Madras, aimlessly, not knowing what to do or how to be without my infants on my arms - it was my first time out alone after giving birth. Life has moved forward and I can say with gratitude that I am in a place where I feel closest to God and better about life. 

*my paternal and maternal villages respectively

Agendas and winning

When my children were toddlers, I had a quote stuck on my shelf which read, “When we lose our agendas, everybody wins.” At that time I was just beginning to take tiny steps towards gentle parenting and words like ‘triggers’ and ‘childhood wounds’ were unfamiliar to me. But, this quote gave me some direction in my otherwise ambiguous motherhood journey. ‘Stop having set plans and you will not struggle so much with your toddler’ became my go to, to give my children more of a peaceful mummy and less of a yelling and disregulated mum. 

It’s almost eight years later; the paper I wrote the quote on was removed a long time ago. But, this morning, something happened that had me stand up straight and realise that the journey of the gentle parent is always an ongoing one, until we say goodbye to life on Earth. 

I was making chapatis for lunch today. Both my children show curiosity about what lunch I’m sending and after some episodes of ‘Ugh, sambar today’ and ‘eww, why kootu’ they were disciplined (gently, of course, maybe, probably) to not say these mean things about food I was making to nourish them. After that, my little ones (who now reach my shoulders), began wordlessly coming into the kitchen and inspecting the menu for themselves - without the grimace and commentary…haha! 

Anyways, I was in a hurry to finish things on time when my older twin asked me to make a baby chappathi. I was short on time and told her that it would not be possible. She was a little disappointed and walked away. But, after I finished my work, I had a little dough left, so I made two tiny chapatis and began roasting them on the tawa. I wanted to secretly pack it with their lunch and my heart felt contented imagining their surprise and the non-verbal way in which I would have told them that I loved them and that their desires meant so much to me. 

As I was roasting the secret chapatis, my younger twin walked into the kitchen. I was like, ‘oh no’. So I told her about my plan to surprise her and her sister, but now since she knew, she needed to keep it a secret. She agreed and found ways to keep her sister out of the kitchen. A few minutes later, I was outside, packing lunch, when my older twin walked into the kitchen and as she took her breakfast plate, she noticed the tiny, baby chapatis. She immediately asked, “Amma, is that for us?” 

So absorbed in my agenda was I that I completely forgot the whole purpose of me making those baby chapatis - to show my love to my children. Instead, I felt anger that my plan had gone kaput and was annoyed with both my girls for having found out. Thankfully, I’m in a place in my journey where I’m able to control (most times…not all the time) my outbursts and I just sulked quietly. That’s when ‘When we lose our agendas, everybody wins’ surfaced back into my conscious. And suddenly, I saw the quote, the situation, my motherhood and my growing children in a new light. 

The paradigm shift helped and I crawled out of my bad mood and was able to go on with the rest of the morning prep and rush with a cheerful spirit. 

It’s continuous and demands work, but the gentle parenting journey is the most Christ-like, God-like parenting that I can imagine. The grace I receive from my parent - my God, is the inspiration with which I offer grace to my children. 

Of Parents and Children

 

By the way....I've written a collection of short stories called, "Of Parents and Children".  

Here's the link if you're interested:

https://amzn.eu/d/6xvMLAv

It's an ebook and can be downloaded to the free Kindle app via the Amazon website.