For the first time in my life

I was born 23 years ago and have lived everybit of those years. I have seen a lot of things in all those 23 years..a lot of people, a lot of situations, a lot of tears and a lot of laughter.
What I hadnt seen was; a decent looking passport size photo. Reaaaaaaaaaaaalllllyyyyyy!! That was what it was, until today. I was badly in need of passport size photographs and rushed into the studio. Windblown and sweaty. My fingers were my comb and my sleeves were my tissues..(Do I hear a lot of..thats-so-her?!!) hehehehehe!!
Anyways, today, for the first time in my life, I had a decent passport photo taken. Phew!! And am happy!

Thats all. Ok tata bye bye.

me!

Fear Factor

By the time I was 16, I had learnt two things, one - not to let success get to my head and two - take losing in the right spirit. I am glad I learnt some really important lessons earlier on in life. I could lose to someone in a game of chess and smile, I could lose to someone in a debate and still smile. But I was still handicapped. I couldn't bear losing people in my life.

As far as my memory goes, I remember crying for people who have said bye and moved on. I think one of my earliest memories is of Shonai, my bengali friend who also doubled up as a foe! She couldnt speak english or tamil and I couldnt speak hindi or bengali. Yet, we were friends (except for those times when we scratched ourselves to bruises!). She was older than me and as her father's tenure in Delhi got over and he was transferred back to Calcutta, she had to leave too. Her parting gift to me was a toothpick. She said keep it safe. I still remember being a tiny 8 year old, standing near the massive main gate and watching as her mother and father piled up suitcases after suitcases into the typical yellow hooded Indian taxi. The toothpick was in my hand, safe and sound. She got into the taxi and said a melancholic bye. And the taxi vroomed away into non-existence. Shonai had just left my life. It wasn't like I loved her or even for that matter cared for her. She was the girl I played Hide and Seek with and now she had left. I remember returnning home with a feeling that was very new to me. It wasn't nice, it was very painful. It was a heavy heart. I cried. And god knows why I chewed the toothpick to its grave! Shonai was gone and so was the toothpick she gave me.

Ten years down the lane I was still the same. Being a major did nothing new to dispel this fear of losing people. I could vote and elect governments, but would always be bound by fear that someone I love might leave me. I've lost friends. Some good, some questionable. Yet, everything was an eye opener. Every adieu was bringing me closer to the revelation of a certain truth. A certain wisdom that only age can bring. I realised that those whom you trusted the most, those whom you feared to lose the most, were the ones who could cause you that pain that is so intense, so anguishing and so excruiciating, that you lose consciousness of joy.

I am older now. And I think I am at the threshold of allowing the fullness of that truth to wash over me. To be unbound by any fear. Of losing. People. I make ways for myself, pave paths to understand why I go through what I go through. I am that genre of people who shape happenings to look like steps and then use them to move on. I have learnt that fear is dispelled when there is joy. The talons of fear are cut to pieces by the power of confidence in self and God and optimism about the future. I do not fear now, for I do not expect.

The lack of an emotional decree and an abstract agreement to stay by my side till the end is painful, but a breather all the same. If I dont allow you to have an option of deserting, how will you? I think, I evolve. What I am today is not what I was yesterday is not what I will be tomorrow.

I hope, hence I live. I love, hence I hope. Meanwhile, I stumble, I stutter. I find my balance in my imbalance. I strive to be- an oxymoron.



me!

Err...:D

I need not do anything...somehow, embarassing moments just find their way in this highly populated country to me! It has been this way since childhood and I haven't seen any respite as a teenager or now as a woman and the current trend only reinforces my belief that this will be the way till I am 6 feet under! Well, fact is, I dont really mind..but right now, I am still reeling from the err...embarassment of what I did...hehehe. Really, lack of knowledge is an embarassing thing!

Ok, the story is that..I get this new project to work on. I have to liase with consultants all over Europe and Asia-Pacific. So, I am sent a few introductory emails and then a few "Hi! Welcome On board" emails. For the first time, I am working with Chinese consultants and its a nice feeling! So I am still feeling all nice about working on an important consult and am replying to emails from the top guys, when suddenly a chinese lady emails me about the project requirements...her name was as expected...very chinese..Siok Hui Tan. So I reply saying,

Hi Siok,

...blah blah blah...
blah blah blah......blah blah blah...
blah blah blah......blah blah blah...
blah blah blah......blah blah blah...
blah blah blah......blah blah blah...
blah blah blah......blah blah blah...
blah blah blah...

regards,
Ashika

Ten minutes later, I had one of the big guys on the project ping me over IM....

Big guy: Hi
Me: Hi!
Big guy: Listen...
me: (uhoh) yes..?
Big guy: Your last email...
me: (UH OHHHHHH) Yes...? What about it?
Big guy: Ok, listen, you are not supposed to call Siok Hui Tan, Siok.
me: (GULP!) err....???? Siok Hui Tan is not Siok?
Big guy: Yes, call her Siok Hui.
me: (Giggle, kya hui?!) Siok Hui Tan is not Siok but Siok Hui??
Big guy: Yes.
me: O(half a K)
Big guy: bye, anytime

Hehehehe, me quite bright here!! As usual! Lesson learnt! Chinese names...Name 1 Name 2 Name 3 is never Name 1 but Name 1 Name 2. Got it?! I did! Today!

:)
me