Fear Factor

By the time I was 16, I had learnt two things, one - not to let success get to my head and two - take losing in the right spirit. I am glad I learnt some really important lessons earlier on in life. I could lose to someone in a game of chess and smile, I could lose to someone in a debate and still smile. But I was still handicapped. I couldn't bear losing people in my life.

As far as my memory goes, I remember crying for people who have said bye and moved on. I think one of my earliest memories is of Shonai, my bengali friend who also doubled up as a foe! She couldnt speak english or tamil and I couldnt speak hindi or bengali. Yet, we were friends (except for those times when we scratched ourselves to bruises!). She was older than me and as her father's tenure in Delhi got over and he was transferred back to Calcutta, she had to leave too. Her parting gift to me was a toothpick. She said keep it safe. I still remember being a tiny 8 year old, standing near the massive main gate and watching as her mother and father piled up suitcases after suitcases into the typical yellow hooded Indian taxi. The toothpick was in my hand, safe and sound. She got into the taxi and said a melancholic bye. And the taxi vroomed away into non-existence. Shonai had just left my life. It wasn't like I loved her or even for that matter cared for her. She was the girl I played Hide and Seek with and now she had left. I remember returnning home with a feeling that was very new to me. It wasn't nice, it was very painful. It was a heavy heart. I cried. And god knows why I chewed the toothpick to its grave! Shonai was gone and so was the toothpick she gave me.

Ten years down the lane I was still the same. Being a major did nothing new to dispel this fear of losing people. I could vote and elect governments, but would always be bound by fear that someone I love might leave me. I've lost friends. Some good, some questionable. Yet, everything was an eye opener. Every adieu was bringing me closer to the revelation of a certain truth. A certain wisdom that only age can bring. I realised that those whom you trusted the most, those whom you feared to lose the most, were the ones who could cause you that pain that is so intense, so anguishing and so excruiciating, that you lose consciousness of joy.

I am older now. And I think I am at the threshold of allowing the fullness of that truth to wash over me. To be unbound by any fear. Of losing. People. I make ways for myself, pave paths to understand why I go through what I go through. I am that genre of people who shape happenings to look like steps and then use them to move on. I have learnt that fear is dispelled when there is joy. The talons of fear are cut to pieces by the power of confidence in self and God and optimism about the future. I do not fear now, for I do not expect.

The lack of an emotional decree and an abstract agreement to stay by my side till the end is painful, but a breather all the same. If I dont allow you to have an option of deserting, how will you? I think, I evolve. What I am today is not what I was yesterday is not what I will be tomorrow.

I hope, hence I live. I love, hence I hope. Meanwhile, I stumble, I stutter. I find my balance in my imbalance. I strive to be- an oxymoron.



me!