Payanam Time!

Phew!! At last! I get to blog!

What a past few weeks it has been! Everything seemed to be happening in a blur. Clothes (need I say more! what with Waves Annanagar opening a brand new showroom, I am now a proud owner of quite a few capris and kurtis and trousers!), utensils(tawa, kadai, pressure cooker..snigger!!), groceries (I have bought all sorts of masalas;other than pepper and salt for omlettes, I am not too sure about the working principle of the rest!) and of course, my other sweetheart, my laptop! (I know, I know, I could have bought it there. Heard it many many times :D)

Its like I am going away for a lifetime, not for a year or two! Anyways, last night, after much persuasion, I made my dad pack my suitcase. I wanted this done a couple of days ago, but both my parents, weren't ready to get into 'our-daugther-is-leaving' mood that early! (all this after all the torture I've put them through, all my life?!! ;) I thought, they might be heaving a sigh of relief that the tyrant has at last left!). OK, mebbe they are!!

Grandad now finds everything about me very sweet! I am now more beautiful than before (hey!thats what he says!) not like I mind though ;) Gosh, come to think of it, I've quite tortured my poor grandpop too! My room would usually be devoid of any clutter, thanks to Thaatha, who made sure that all my clothes were folded, my stationery in the right box and my cosmetics back in the vanity case(not like I have something like that..hehehe..just a huge Dior bag my aunt gifted me!)

So how do I feel leaving the country?? Not overtly depressed. I'll miss GOOD rasam and GOOD sambhar and GOOD chicken fry. Theoritically mom is happy with my recitation of Mantra de Rasam and Karma..err..Kurma.hehehe..practically..yet to face the consequences! After 23 years of living, I am actually not going to have curfews...oooh, big responsibility, weighs heavily on my shoulders!

I have two HUGE suitcases stuffed to the brim and further.Despite the excess baggage allowance that British Airways gives, I might be carrying extra. Aaaarrghh,I hope I dont have to unpack at the airport.

Gotta run now. Had so many plans of meeting a lot of people before I leave, especially my friend who is a new mummy , however, had to make do with a phone call. Just two days left. Exclusive family time.

Later from the castles of Edinburgh then!

Ciao!
me

On love and loving

X: Stephen, the feeling isn't there anymore. What do you suggest?
Stehen Covey:Then love her
X: I told you the feeling isn't there anymore.
Stephen Covey: Love her.
X: You dont understand. THE FEELING OF LOVE JUST ISNT THERE.
Stehen Covey: Then love her. If the feeling isnt there, thats a good reason to love her.
X: But how do you love when there is no love?
Stephen Covey: My friend, love is verb. Love - the feeling- is a fruit of love the verb.

Love is a value that is actualised by loving actions.

-A scattered excerpt from one of the books I am reading 'The 7 habits of highly effective people" (the other being Freakonomics)

For the first time in my life

I was born 23 years ago and have lived everybit of those years. I have seen a lot of things in all those 23 years..a lot of people, a lot of situations, a lot of tears and a lot of laughter.
What I hadnt seen was; a decent looking passport size photo. Reaaaaaaaaaaaalllllyyyyyy!! That was what it was, until today. I was badly in need of passport size photographs and rushed into the studio. Windblown and sweaty. My fingers were my comb and my sleeves were my tissues..(Do I hear a lot of..thats-so-her?!!) hehehehehe!!
Anyways, today, for the first time in my life, I had a decent passport photo taken. Phew!! And am happy!

Thats all. Ok tata bye bye.

me!

Fear Factor

By the time I was 16, I had learnt two things, one - not to let success get to my head and two - take losing in the right spirit. I am glad I learnt some really important lessons earlier on in life. I could lose to someone in a game of chess and smile, I could lose to someone in a debate and still smile. But I was still handicapped. I couldn't bear losing people in my life.

As far as my memory goes, I remember crying for people who have said bye and moved on. I think one of my earliest memories is of Shonai, my bengali friend who also doubled up as a foe! She couldnt speak english or tamil and I couldnt speak hindi or bengali. Yet, we were friends (except for those times when we scratched ourselves to bruises!). She was older than me and as her father's tenure in Delhi got over and he was transferred back to Calcutta, she had to leave too. Her parting gift to me was a toothpick. She said keep it safe. I still remember being a tiny 8 year old, standing near the massive main gate and watching as her mother and father piled up suitcases after suitcases into the typical yellow hooded Indian taxi. The toothpick was in my hand, safe and sound. She got into the taxi and said a melancholic bye. And the taxi vroomed away into non-existence. Shonai had just left my life. It wasn't like I loved her or even for that matter cared for her. She was the girl I played Hide and Seek with and now she had left. I remember returnning home with a feeling that was very new to me. It wasn't nice, it was very painful. It was a heavy heart. I cried. And god knows why I chewed the toothpick to its grave! Shonai was gone and so was the toothpick she gave me.

Ten years down the lane I was still the same. Being a major did nothing new to dispel this fear of losing people. I could vote and elect governments, but would always be bound by fear that someone I love might leave me. I've lost friends. Some good, some questionable. Yet, everything was an eye opener. Every adieu was bringing me closer to the revelation of a certain truth. A certain wisdom that only age can bring. I realised that those whom you trusted the most, those whom you feared to lose the most, were the ones who could cause you that pain that is so intense, so anguishing and so excruiciating, that you lose consciousness of joy.

I am older now. And I think I am at the threshold of allowing the fullness of that truth to wash over me. To be unbound by any fear. Of losing. People. I make ways for myself, pave paths to understand why I go through what I go through. I am that genre of people who shape happenings to look like steps and then use them to move on. I have learnt that fear is dispelled when there is joy. The talons of fear are cut to pieces by the power of confidence in self and God and optimism about the future. I do not fear now, for I do not expect.

The lack of an emotional decree and an abstract agreement to stay by my side till the end is painful, but a breather all the same. If I dont allow you to have an option of deserting, how will you? I think, I evolve. What I am today is not what I was yesterday is not what I will be tomorrow.

I hope, hence I live. I love, hence I hope. Meanwhile, I stumble, I stutter. I find my balance in my imbalance. I strive to be- an oxymoron.



me!

Err...:D

I need not do anything...somehow, embarassing moments just find their way in this highly populated country to me! It has been this way since childhood and I haven't seen any respite as a teenager or now as a woman and the current trend only reinforces my belief that this will be the way till I am 6 feet under! Well, fact is, I dont really mind..but right now, I am still reeling from the err...embarassment of what I did...hehehe. Really, lack of knowledge is an embarassing thing!

Ok, the story is that..I get this new project to work on. I have to liase with consultants all over Europe and Asia-Pacific. So, I am sent a few introductory emails and then a few "Hi! Welcome On board" emails. For the first time, I am working with Chinese consultants and its a nice feeling! So I am still feeling all nice about working on an important consult and am replying to emails from the top guys, when suddenly a chinese lady emails me about the project requirements...her name was as expected...very chinese..Siok Hui Tan. So I reply saying,

Hi Siok,

...blah blah blah...
blah blah blah......blah blah blah...
blah blah blah......blah blah blah...
blah blah blah......blah blah blah...
blah blah blah......blah blah blah...
blah blah blah......blah blah blah...
blah blah blah...

regards,
Ashika

Ten minutes later, I had one of the big guys on the project ping me over IM....

Big guy: Hi
Me: Hi!
Big guy: Listen...
me: (uhoh) yes..?
Big guy: Your last email...
me: (UH OHHHHHH) Yes...? What about it?
Big guy: Ok, listen, you are not supposed to call Siok Hui Tan, Siok.
me: (GULP!) err....???? Siok Hui Tan is not Siok?
Big guy: Yes, call her Siok Hui.
me: (Giggle, kya hui?!) Siok Hui Tan is not Siok but Siok Hui??
Big guy: Yes.
me: O(half a K)
Big guy: bye, anytime

Hehehehe, me quite bright here!! As usual! Lesson learnt! Chinese names...Name 1 Name 2 Name 3 is never Name 1 but Name 1 Name 2. Got it?! I did! Today!

:)
me

Desperate Parents

Doing my lil bit to help spread some goodwill.

Check this blog Everything Else: Spreading the Word Around to help a little kid suffering with Aplastic Anaemia - http://www.lrf.org.uk/en/1/infdispatapl.html
Details in the blog.

An aeon passed

Every morning, I see her. Wrapped in an old tattered blanket, sometimes not. Her frail body wrapped in a sari that must have seen better days. Her hair is neatly parted in the middle, combed and tied at the nape of her neck. Her eyes are always downcast. I have never made eye contact with her. And I wonder. What will I see when my eyes meet hers?

I always make it a point to slow down when I come to that corner spot where she sits. Sometimes hugging herself to protect her weak body from the early morning cold, sometimes biting into a bun which some kind hearted philanthropist donated to her with a cup of tea. Her eyes are always downcast. What if she looks up suddenly when I cross her in the morning? What will I find in her eyes?

Today there was a child sitting beside her. Her yellow sari a clear contrast to his red shirt. She was holding her bent knee and was deep in thought with downcast eyes while the child played with planes, imaginary ones. Didnt the antics of that little child inspire her to lift her eyes from the ground? What was she thinking about? What would I have seen had she lifetd her eyes and looked into mine?

Why is she where she is? Where does she go once its night? What was she thinking about today? Of days gone by? Of younger years when she didnt have to depend on kind men and women to give her a piece of bread. Of days when beautiful childern came running to her as she picked them up wth the strength of her youth and swung them high as they wheeeeeeed and whoooeeeed in joy?

Or was she thinking about the young girl who crosses her everyday early in the morning. slowing down, hoping to catch a glimplse of her deep eyes, etched with experiences and memories. What emotions does that young girl carry in her eyes? She doesnt know. For she refuses to look up and meet her eyes. To meet the eyes of the young girl who reminds her of her bygone days? Maybe.

I would never know.